A Returning Lonewolf

It has been a while since I had a post in here. Did you miss me multiply? Well You can guess why I post again. Wait, first I'll make it sure this is private blog... This is only between you and me multiply, got it? If this leak out i'll sue you, just kidding.

Well it has been a terrible day for me, no, it has been a terrible week I'd say. I week of being alone, well not physically but more of emotionally and socially. I think that my friends are outcasting me, somehow it feels like I am a wolf that had been thrown out of the pack because i'm ill or somehting. IT has been a while since I become a lonewolf, and it has been also a while since I question the reason why I existed again in this world. I don't know why I become alone again. My family are so far, my friends seems distant and she, she is the remaining thing that I think can cure me of this disease, this curse.

It is a dull saturday to start with. I don't have the hopes of getting a text from her because I don't think that she has feelings for me nor she has any important things to text to me. but then she mailed me and I almost forgot that she will return the book today. Then I arrange it for the afternoon because it is the time that i will go back to the dorms for our sportsfest, I play volleyball. The team practice a lot ofr the volleyball yesterday, so we have high hopes of winning but then we lost. First is we lost in a competition and then what's next. This is really a very bad day for me. Finally after a week long of endurance to have the drug, I can finally see her again. She is like the morphine that will make my pains go away. Just a bit of her presence, is enough for me. But then I see her with her friend. This brings up jealousy inside me. The drug that can cure me of this ailments I have: loneliness, hatred, corruption, evil overall; was taken away by others. And in that moment I realize that I have no right over her, I didn't even ask what is my stance in her, did she have any feeling for me, so why should I feel jealous? why? but then my heart aches so much that as I watch them, my fangs grows. I have kept my fangs close and trying to control it, I;m trying to control my other self. Then I realized that she was happy. And then It is just fine me to see her happy. I dare to challenge my other self to that notion and luckily I prevail not to cause her any trouble again. Maybe I am just a nuisance, maybe if i disappear she will be more happy. Those are the thoughts that came in to me.

So aching I was, I walk back home and accepted that I am a lonewolf. But my otherselves are screaming to me that I am a fool. Why must i become a lone wolf without fighting back. They are telling me to fight, it is not over until it was declared that i was lost. Why will we/I let my self be a lone wolf if i can still fight. I know that... Yet am I so coward to fight or something... I just can't explain what, it just makes me satisfied to see her smiling.

Survival is the meaning of my existence was what I always thought whenever feel being a lone wolf but now even as a lone wolf I feel that I find the meaning of my existence, it is in her. She is the reason shy I still continue living.