Recently I've realized that it is not death that I need to fear. I fear death before because I somehow weak in faith about afterlife. The thought creeps me when I think that when I dieed I cannot think anymore, no feelings, no perception, no life and it is only nothingness. As I myslef an, not outgoing, but adventurous guy cannot think wht it feel to feel nothing. That thought creeps me since I was a child. I don't know if my faith in my religion strenthens or that someone help me to conquer that fear that now I didn't think about death like that again.
Yet a new phobia arises, the phobia that I think cannot just be solved with strong faith or resolution. It is the fear to to be alone in the world, not physically but psychologically. It is what makes me insane. It cause Jealousy to strengthen in my nature. Just this past weeks I feel tremendous jealousy that I don't know why it happen I just feel it. I think because I just don't have some communication with 'her' for a while, I felt that I was left alone in the abyss. This is because I think my whole existence, my daily routine, my phone and my load is only about 'her'. But I come to realization that my existence for her is nothing. That makes me mad again then I thought that I have two option: to force my existence to her, a way that is quick yet has terrible consequence, or I will wait for her to realize my existence, which I sure might take eternity. For I am an impatient person, I really want the former but my logic overwhelms me and I took the latter though I believe that sooner or later I might revert to my original choice. How long will I can hold the pain of loneliness? How long I can stand to be away from you? That might be a matter how strong my resolution to be with you, I think. I hope that sooner I would have your answer, even it is a no, I will gladly accept it as long it is really your will.
This loneliness is somehow reduced because of my dream...
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This is a writing written to all emos. A writing to show what you feels.
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*GLBCabria Publications*
