IT is just normal day for me yesterday. Though for most people it is a special day, many called it valentine's day others prefer is SAD or single awareness day. Well it can be somewhat special for me because we, the MBBS, go to the AFP-medical Center and do some outreach program to the pediatrics ward. I had done some or quite many embarassing things in front of everyone well atleast I hope the kids had enjoy it. So I just spend all saturday morning in AFPMC with the kids in the pedia ward. Somehow looking at them can make you feel you arenot alone in the world, dunno I'm saying but I just want to relay that it feels something hard to be explain.
Well truthfully, i feel lonely last saturday. I practice a lot in baking the cookies and just to know that she don't want any gifts from me. I plan to spend my allowance from dost to bake a ton of cookies, which happens that I don't receive my stipends due to some paper problem so I borrow from my brother. Well it turns out that I can not use it. The whole remaining hours of valentines day i spend thinking on what she text me last time, "Is it love that you feel or just intimacy?". I really think about how to prove to her that this feeling is love and also to recompose my self, but it is already saturday and still I can not make something. But i do know and feel that this is love, why? I just don't really get it. It is like for everytime that I don't hear a news from her my heart aches not just like sadness of loneliness but an ache that is deeper than that, an ache that somehow feels hollowness, somehow it feels that i missing something.
It is just becoming part of my routine that somehow I will receive a text from her just saying good day or something and she will tell some of her stories, and when I don't receive one I just feel empty. I just want to hear from her more. I just want to know her more.I just want... well okay she is busy and also she has her own life so who am I to expect something. She has a career and life to work for and I am just nobody to intrude into her life and studies.
I remember what my aunt told my cousin once, well this evening, "if you want to love i won't force you or force you out of it because you have your own mind and intellect but of you want to finish your studies first then you just need to leave it aside." Well somehow my aunt make sense but somehow I disagree with her. It is natural for us to love, ever since we are born we love someone and it will just come out when you meet someone who really you love and you will love for eternity. So how can you put it aside? Why can't you make it done at the same time, studies and love? For me we can do both at the same time, but it needs a lot of moderation and effort to do so, so that wa cannot go overbound.
Well all day yesterday I hoping to have some mail from her but it never arrives. I think that it might be due that she has an exam to take and a party to attend to so she is quite busy and I don't want to be a nuisance so I stop bothering her after a few mails without replies. Then I hope that this sunday I will have some mails from her but then nothing arrives again. I just think that she might be busy and she has maybe an exam next week or something. Well I just spend my whole afternoon playing with my computer, then my brother mailed me to meet at trinoma at 4 pm. I am quite reluctant to go because I plan to go to church that time but well it is my brother so I got no choice. Well we just go out for some food and he gives me some allowance since I was wuite broke, I overspend last week supposedly for the outreach. And then as I look at the clock it is quite late to go to mass. I am thinking twice if I will go to mass or not since it is already late. Well I already on route so why not go and it is quite already two weeks since I go to mass since I was always late to finish in my practice last two sundays. I arrive at church quite late. As I mass it feels that all my problem was washed away. I was quite gloom all the week but the mass just washed it away when I sing the mass songs and hear the priest's voice. Well since it all comes to this, I decided that I will ask god for advice and guidance to know if she really is the right one. I ask for signs, like the three consecutive times we have meet at the same church with the same color of shirt when I am confused on my feelings about her the previous year. Well today I ask for one, I don't know that my request will be answered quickly. When it is time for the communion (before I ask for signs) I decided to look for by any chance that she was here, which I doubt because they always go to mass early and it is quite late. But then as I finish my communion prayers and as I finished asking for signs, I look into 'alley' and I saw her walking back to her seat from the communion line and there is her family. I just said to myself doubting about the situation, that this is just a coincidence, just pure coincidence, but I remember that there is no coincidence in the world form one of the books/movies I had seen. Then I believe that this is the sign I was hoping for. I don;t know if she notice me, I mailed her as I usually do whe I met her in the church and she don't reply. I don't know why. Then I said that I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON HER, PERSISTENCE is quite my middle name, I said to myself. But before that I must change my whole attitude, my negative attitudes first, my pledge to god.
In my change, i hope to become a better person for myselfand everyone around and also for her. Well, if she still will not answer my pleas and my gifts I can wait until I hear her answer, good or bad it is. I can wait. I will wait.
