Journal Entry: Number 53, "Beginning"

IT is just normal day for me yesterday. Though for most people it is a special day, many called it valentine's day others prefer is SAD or single awareness day. Well it can be somewhat special for me because we, the MBBS, go to the AFP-medical Center and do some outreach program to the pediatrics ward. I had done some or quite many embarassing things in front of everyone well atleast I hope the kids had enjoy it. So I just spend all saturday morning in AFPMC with the kids in the pedia ward. Somehow looking at them can make you feel you arenot alone in the world, dunno I'm saying but I just want to relay that it feels something hard to be explain. 

Well truthfully, i feel lonely last saturday. I practice a lot in baking the cookies and just to know that she don't want any gifts from me. I plan to spend my allowance from dost to bake a ton of cookies, which happens that I don't receive my stipends due to some paper problem so I borrow from my brother. Well it turns out that I can not use it. The whole remaining hours of valentines day i spend thinking on what she text me last time, "Is it love that you feel or just intimacy?". I really think about how to prove to her that this feeling is love and also to recompose my self, but it is already saturday and still I can not make something. But i do know and feel that this is love, why? I just don't really get it. It is like for everytime that I don't hear a news from her my heart aches not just like sadness of loneliness but an ache that is deeper than that, an ache that somehow feels hollowness, somehow it feels that i missing something. 

It is just becoming part of my routine that somehow I will receive a text from her just saying good day or something and she will tell some of her stories, and when I don't receive one I just feel empty. I just want to hear from her more. I just want to know her more.I just want... well okay she is busy and also she has her own life so who am I to expect something. She has a career and life to work for and I am just nobody to intrude into her life and studies. 

I remember what my aunt told my cousin once, well this evening, "if you want to love i won't force you or force you out of it because you have your own mind and intellect but of you want to finish your studies first then you just need to leave it aside." Well somehow my aunt make sense but somehow I disagree with her. It is natural for us to love, ever since we are born we love someone and it will just come out when you meet someone who really you love and you will love for eternity. So how can you put it aside? Why can't you make it done at the same time, studies and love? For me we can do both at the same time, but it needs a lot of moderation and effort to do so, so that wa cannot go overbound.

Well all day yesterday I hoping to have some mail from her but it never arrives. I think that it might be due that she has an exam to take and a party to attend to so she is quite busy and I don't want to be a nuisance so I stop bothering her after a few mails without replies. Then I hope that this sunday I will have some mails from her but then nothing arrives again. I just think that she might be busy and she has maybe an exam next week or something. Well I just spend my whole afternoon playing with my computer, then my brother mailed me to meet at trinoma at 4 pm. I am quite reluctant to go because I plan to go to church that time but well it is my brother so I got no choice. Well we just go out for some food and he gives me some allowance since I was wuite broke, I overspend last week supposedly for the outreach. And then as I look at the clock it is quite late to go to mass. I am thinking twice if I will go to mass or not since it is already late. Well I already on route so why not go and it is quite already two weeks since I go to mass since I was always late to finish in my practice last two sundays. I arrive at church quite late. As I mass it feels that all my problem was washed away. I was quite gloom all the week but the mass just washed it away when I sing the mass songs and hear the priest's voice. Well  since it all comes to this, I decided that I  will ask god for advice and guidance to know if she really is the right one. I ask for signs, like the three consecutive times we have meet at the same church with the same color of shirt when I am confused on my feelings about her the previous year. Well today I ask for one, I don't know that my request will be answered quickly. When it is time for the communion (before I ask for signs) I decided to look for by any chance that she was here, which I doubt because they always go to mass early and it is quite late. But then as I finish my communion prayers and as I finished asking for signs, I look into 'alley' and I saw her walking back to her seat from the communion line and there is her family. I just said to myself doubting about the situation, that this is just a coincidence, just pure coincidence, but I remember that there is no coincidence in the world form one of the books/movies I had seen. Then I believe that this is the sign I was hoping for. I don;t know if she notice me, I mailed her as I usually do whe I met her in the church and she don't reply. I don't know why. Then I said that I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON HER, PERSISTENCE is quite my middle name, I said to myself. But before that I must change my whole attitude, my negative attitudes first, my pledge to god.

In my change, i hope to become a better person for myselfand everyone around and also for her. Well, if she still will not answer my pleas and my gifts I can wait until I hear her answer, good or bad it is. I can wait. I will wait. 

What will you choose?

There is a chioce that you must make. The revival of your dearest love, or the lost of your memory about him when you do the process. Which will you choose?

A Returning Lonewolf

It has been a while since I had a post in here. Did you miss me multiply? Well You can guess why I post again. Wait, first I'll make it sure this is private blog... This is only between you and me multiply, got it? If this leak out i'll sue you, just kidding.

Well it has been a terrible day for me, no, it has been a terrible week I'd say. I week of being alone, well not physically but more of emotionally and socially. I think that my friends are outcasting me, somehow it feels like I am a wolf that had been thrown out of the pack because i'm ill or somehting. IT has been a while since I become a lonewolf, and it has been also a while since I question the reason why I existed again in this world. I don't know why I become alone again. My family are so far, my friends seems distant and she, she is the remaining thing that I think can cure me of this disease, this curse.

It is a dull saturday to start with. I don't have the hopes of getting a text from her because I don't think that she has feelings for me nor she has any important things to text to me. but then she mailed me and I almost forgot that she will return the book today. Then I arrange it for the afternoon because it is the time that i will go back to the dorms for our sportsfest, I play volleyball. The team practice a lot ofr the volleyball yesterday, so we have high hopes of winning but then we lost. First is we lost in a competition and then what's next. This is really a very bad day for me. Finally after a week long of endurance to have the drug, I can finally see her again. She is like the morphine that will make my pains go away. Just a bit of her presence, is enough for me. But then I see her with her friend. This brings up jealousy inside me. The drug that can cure me of this ailments I have: loneliness, hatred, corruption, evil overall; was taken away by others. And in that moment I realize that I have no right over her, I didn't even ask what is my stance in her, did she have any feeling for me, so why should I feel jealous? why? but then my heart aches so much that as I watch them, my fangs grows. I have kept my fangs close and trying to control it, I;m trying to control my other self. Then I realized that she was happy. And then It is just fine me to see her happy. I dare to challenge my other self to that notion and luckily I prevail not to cause her any trouble again. Maybe I am just a nuisance, maybe if i disappear she will be more happy. Those are the thoughts that came in to me.

So aching I was, I walk back home and accepted that I am a lonewolf. But my otherselves are screaming to me that I am a fool. Why must i become a lone wolf without fighting back. They are telling me to fight, it is not over until it was declared that i was lost. Why will we/I let my self be a lone wolf if i can still fight. I know that... Yet am I so coward to fight or something... I just can't explain what, it just makes me satisfied to see her smiling.

Survival is the meaning of my existence was what I always thought whenever feel being a lone wolf but now even as a lone wolf I feel that I find the meaning of my existence, it is in her. She is the reason shy I still continue living.

To fear and to dream an impossible dream

Recently I've realized that it is not death that I need to fear. I fear death before because I somehow weak in faith about afterlife. The thought creeps me when I think that when I dieed I cannot think anymore, no feelings, no perception, no life and it is only nothingness. As I myslef an, not outgoing, but adventurous guy cannot think wht it feel to feel nothing. That thought creeps me since I was a child. I don't know if my faith in my religion strenthens or that someone help me to conquer that fear that now I didn't think about death like that again.

Yet a new phobia arises, the phobia that I think cannot just be solved with strong faith or resolution. It is the fear to to be alone in the world, not physically but psychologically. It is what makes me insane. It cause Jealousy to strengthen in my nature. Just this past weeks I feel tremendous jealousy that I don't know why it happen I just feel it. I think because I just don't have some communication with 'her' for a while, I felt that I was left alone in the abyss. This is because I think my whole existence, my daily routine, my phone and my load is only about 'her'. But I come to realization that my existence for her is nothing. That makes me mad again then I thought that I have two option: to force my existence to her, a way that is quick yet has terrible consequence, or I will wait for her to realize my existence, which I sure might take eternity. For I am an impatient person, I really want the former but my logic overwhelms me and I took the latter though I believe that sooner or later I might revert to my original choice. How long will I can hold the pain of loneliness? How long I can stand to be away from you? That might be a matter how strong my resolution to be with you, I think. I hope that sooner I would have your answer, even it is a no, I will gladly accept it as long it is really your will.

This loneliness is somehow reduced because of my dream...

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This is a writing written to all emos. A writing to show what you feels.

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*GLBCabria Publications*

How hot thermodynamics is?

1. Determine whether the heat evolved at constant pressure is >,< or is equal to the heat evovled at constant volume in the reaction below. Explain Your Choice.
O2(g) + 2 C3O2(g) ===> 6 CO(g)

2. Determine whether the heat evolved at constant pressure is >,< or is equal to the heat evovled at constant volume in the reaction below. Explain Your Choice.
CH4(g) + 2 O2(g) ===> CO2(g) + 2 h20(g)

3. The reaction responsible for the defensive explosive discharge of the bombardier beetle is C6H4(0H)2(aq) + 2 H2O2(aq) ===> C6H4O2(aq) + 2 H2O(l)
Calculate enthalpy change in kJ/mole for the reactio from the ff.
C6H4(0H)2(aq) ===> C6H4O2(aq) + H2(g) ΔE=-0.177 kJ/mole
O2(g) + 2 H2O(l) ===> 2 H2O2(aq) ΔE=+0.044kJ/mole
H2O(l) ===> 1/2 O2(g) + H2(g) 1. Determine whether the heat evolved at constant pressure is >,< or is equal to the heat evovled at constant volume in the reaction below. Explain Your Choice.
O2(g) + 2 C3O2(g) ===> 6 CO(g)

2. Determine whether the heat evolved at constant pressure is >,< or is equal to the heat evovled at constant volume in the reaction below. Explain Your Choice.
CH4(g) + 2 O2(g) ===> CO2(g) + 2 h20(g)

3. The reaction responsible for the defensive explosive discharge of the bombardier beetle is C6H4(0H)2(aq) + 2 H2O2(aq) ===> C6H4O2(aq) + 2 H2O(l)
Calculate enthalpy change in kJ/mole for the reactio from the ff.
C6H4(0H)2(aq) ===> C6H4O2(aq) + H2(g) ΔE=-0.177 kJ/mole
O2(g) + 2 H2O(l) ===> 2 H2O2(aq) ΔE=+0.044kJ/mole
H2O(l) ===> 1/2 O2(g) + h2(g) ΔE=+0.286kJ/mole

First Day of A new Life

It is srtat of a new soohcl yaer and I've been happy to be hree in UP. My frsit day ystready was so tiring bacesue its my first time to walk aournd a large palce like UP and i need to walk fast. Well I'll keep this entry short becasue I'm so tired and I can't write/type clearly. WELL STARTING YESTERDAY I'AM OFFICIALLY INSIDE THE UP EDUCATION!

A never ending night.

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Even how good a soldier you are, there will be time that you will be captured and the need to escape from your captors. The first rule when you are taken as POWs(Prisoners-of-war) is that escape when you are fittest or at the moment you are captured because if you don't your captors will torment you physically, emotionally and mentally. So you must master the SEE or Survival, Escape & Evation techniques and SOPs so that you can escape safely.

I won't discuss it here, if you want to know the SEE techniques, join the UP ROTC because we learn it and also apply it. Yes, we apply it. We have practical exercises through simulations. SO what you are waiting for join the UP ROTC now.

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07.00h 17 May 2008

We started our double training day. There is an emminent rain coming. Capt Hermitanyo comes and told us to change into PT(Physical Training) Uniforms. After that we have some exercises and then jog the 2.2km acad oval. As we jog rain somehow started to pour so we hastened the exercise and returned immediately to the Vanguard Bldg. After that we have some pushups, situps and pull-ups. I can't believe that I did 50 pushupsm, almost non-stop, and also did one pullup. Then we rest for a bit.

10.00h 17 May 2008

Vanguard Cunanan gives us a Ropemanship review then thought as about the Disaster Response, Relief and Rescue mainly focusing on Rappeling. Then we have some Rappeling exercise; we just need to get down from a 20ft rappeling tower. At first it can be scary but if have tried it you'll be addicted to it.

13.00h 17 May 2008

We have a break.

13.30 17 May 2008

We proceed to the Firing Range. There awaits our marksmanship practicals with Maj Ramos but it was somehow postponed because of the limited time. But still, I got a shot and I hit the styro target. Then we have some Infantry lectures: organiztion of infantry, their formations and operations.

17.00 17 May 2008

We have some CTIS(Combat Training for Individual Soldier). We review first the CTIS movements like the Drop, rush, stalking, and the crawls. Then after that we have some exercises. We drop rush and do the stalking movements on the DMST(Dept of Mil Sci and Tactics) Quadrangle. Then on the muddy Quad we also do the crawls (Baby, low, high, back, snake, crab walk). Gladly, we are on our TFUs so we are protected from the mud and grass cuts.

19.00 17 May 2008

We have a break. And we Practice

19.30 17 May 2008

We Start The Boodle Fight. Century Tunas Flakes in oil and only a rice is what we had for the dinner but the boodle fight is very fun well some says it was yuck but well its fun for me.

20.00h 17 May 2008

We proceed to the firing range. There We have our smoker's night. It started with the commandants' long speech. Then my group present first in the talent show. We do some skit about a Talent show for COs. We impersonate our COs there. I hope they didn't get mad on our impersonation. The comes Batch Com's group they did some singing. They import me and have me sing with Nina. Well I can say I'm lucky for once even though I know she only jokes about me. Well then next is the class performance where we do the tetada dance. After that we have our COs performed I'd say that their skit is the same to us but much better in quality. I think Lt Roxas deserve a famas award he is very great actor.

22.00h 17 May 2008

We return to our quarters and have some sleep. Well I can't say that I Sleep but it more of a Nap. They gave us only 3 hours of sleep.

01.40 17 May 08

Alarm was sounded for the start of the SEE practicals and POW simulation. We were blind fold and was led to the releasing point from there we must go to the vanguard 3rd floor to get our lower TFUs. At the start we have hard time to enter or go near the bldg because it was heavily sentried. I and my Buddy Amar, was caught once in the stairs and we receive 20 STPs for that. But by 02.30h we reached the 3rd floor and then we head to the NCO's office down in the complex. We used our old route backed to the complex at that time rain pour heavily as we tried to enter the complex. We used some leaf as comouflauge. Inside the NCO, we received our upper TFUs. We used again our old route then out maneuver the sentries when we used the back route or the route near the Magsaysay Road leading to the firing range where the cap is. We were almost caught when we enter the range because one sentry was resting there. We then followed the Magsaysay route as we go to the base of Rappeling tower, the extraction point. On our way we didn't see Capt Hermitanyo hiding on the tree there he caught us but he let us go. We are the 5th to arrive there.

05.00h 18 May 2008

We have a debriefing about the SEE practicals. We analyzed out mistakes and also laugh out the funny moments including our leaf comouflauge.

06.00h 18 May 2008

We were dismissed. I take a bath in the Complex' bathroom because I smell like those in the RSCT and worse because of the mud in my clothes. After that I go to Kalai to deliver Nina's Phone because she left it at the lounge. Then I proceed to the Coop for some breakfast.

07.00h 18 May 2008

My body is down and I have a large bag on my back, I went to mass in the UP Chapel. I fell asleep that's why I miss the sermon somehow. After that I went Home and have a very nice long nap.

16.43h 18 May 2008

I wake up and have myself some lunch. Then I went out to have some fun

22.33h 18 May 2008

I just finished writing this post.

*************CABRIA, OUT*****************

**End of Transmission**