I: When the Lad had known what reality is

For there was once a Lad (as all stories told before and after this story had spread), a young one if I must say so. He was a dreamer. He dreams of everything that he can thinks under the sun. HE has an unbelievable mind, for his mind had even journeyed through time. He had imagine all sort of places and occurrences like the formation of this round space ship he was on or even the end destination of the travels of his mind.
He dreamed of the kings and queens and heroes of every nation he had known. In the west he had seen of the glamorous and enchanting tales of King arthus. In the south, he tries to follow the great army of Alexander of the great Greece for which he was an avid fan. He had swim across the seas with the stories of the Great Admiral Zeng He, chinese navigator who was said to first reach the Americas.
He had seen not only the past but even future he tried to visualized. He already scripted a story of when he will become the leader of his people. For it is the time when he will take the stand and raise his nation into a Golden age. He had seen many situations when he become a soldier that defended his country from threats in and out. He had dream about having a family of his own and having a simple peaceful life.
HE had seen many things and all this is through the window in his mind. His great imaginaiton had brought him almost anywhere. Yet almost is not enough, he had not dream about the present. The present which always hurt him. Everytime he return to the present it seems that the point where he was is more dull than ever. For the glamour and prestige of his imagination cannot satiated and is incomparable when he was in PRESENT.
Even though our lad had almost live entirety in his imagination, he had some moments when he liked to live in reality for the greatest happinness in reality are incomporable to the tiny surreal happinness he had obtained form his imaginaiton. Yet, this great happinness is also the cause by which our lad to recede into his imagination, almost if not always. For when our lad experience great happinness in the plresent plane, it was sure to follow that great demise will fall upon him. He said once, "Does present really wants to play with my feelings? If so, then he should fight me face on face and do not use Yin and yang in his evil deeds." And with every great demise he had, he always recede deeper into his imagination.
There was once a time, about when he was not laready chastised in the circle of men, that our lad had expereineced great happinness and had love someone, of course this someone is a girl. A fair girl from his school. They were friends and as time goes on they became close enough that our lad had thought that the girl also loved him. It takes a lot of his imagination, guts(not the intestines), and shaking knees to tell what he feels for her. The girl smiled at him and does not said a word. Time passes and they go onto separate ways. Our lad had ventured out of their small village and onto the great cities into the west. HE had contact with her even though they were far apart for back then they already had what we call phones. HE continued to believe that he had a chance on her and that she also love her. He worked hard in the city to became a better man but one day he had heard from a frined of them that the girl our lad had his eyes on was fallen in love with another man. Our guy had crumbled into pieces and in this that the present had discovered our lads weakness, LOVE.
He try to put the pain away by thinking of great stories in his mind. He had started his journey inwards to his mind. For time passed by quickly, our lad had grown into a fine adolescent boy. He had a few feelings for one or two girls during his growth but he put it away for he knows that the scar of the previous one is still large and he can not take another one soon. Yet as all stories go, our lad had meet another fine gal, smiling and always full of joy. Sooner or later he had confide his feelings to her using the most imaginative ways he could think, for imagination was his forte. Of course, as every stories goes, the gal had kept silent again. At his moment our lad had knew what it will become. he known the possibilities. He had seen all outcome into his head yet he believe he has some chance for this gal (he had fell in love with) has a vow to not enter into any chains of relationships 'til the right time. And our lad thinks that if he waits and the right time comes, this gal will reveal her true feelings to him. So, our lad waited patiently. And until now, as you had guessed, our lad had not receive her answers yet. Our lad is tired out and had already accepted his fate. He only wished that the gal said it straight into his face the answer for waiting is so tiresome and can kill almost any man of his age. Yet, they remain friends until this time, and until this time our lad had some lingering feelings for her.
For some another time had passed, our lad had been living almost everyday of his live in his imagination and he had almost forgotten about present and the hardships he had brought on to him. Our lad during the time he exiled himself in his imagination had grown larger and had enter the age were the society had expected something from him. And at this age that our lad had found a fine woman in the name that shall not be written here. HE was a fine woman with the mos beutiful smile and eyes had our man seen in reality or in his imagination. HE thought that his feelings for her was a mere distraction for the pain that he had felt and that she can become some ointment into this feeling. Though, our lad had been wrong. This ointment he thought had become flames that lightened our lad and closes his bleeding wounds, since fire had been used in the ancient times to close cuts. Yet as all man feels, our lad is scared that this flames might burned him and he end up in an hospital with some threee degree burns or that the flame might died out and he will lost the light that guide him.
HE was afraid to confide what he feels and still confused on what he will do now. Yet there seems now as we are talking about him, had some resolution starting to burn inside our lad. For he had decided on what to do. Though, for what our lad had been decided shall not be discussed here for the end of our chapter had been reached and might be in the next one.

x x x

Disclaimer: No humans, pets, nor imaginary beings were involve in creating this full of grammatical error essay/chapter of a book.

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Journal Entry No. 10: Lost

There are times that we are lost. We don't know where we will go. We are lost in the river of life. AS of now, I can say I am lost. I feel like a waterstrider in a pond that is separated from the river where I should be. I am in stillness. I do not know where I should go. I don't know what road should I follow, if there is really a road tha I should follow. It has been a long time since I have seen the river and enjoy its flow; it has been a long time that I walk down into the road; and really it has been a long time since I have a goal. A GOAL...

Journal Entry: Number 53, "Beginning"

IT is just normal day for me yesterday. Though for most people it is a special day, many called it valentine's day others prefer is SAD or single awareness day. Well it can be somewhat special for me because we, the MBBS, go to the AFP-medical Center and do some outreach program to the pediatrics ward. I had done some or quite many embarassing things in front of everyone well atleast I hope the kids had enjoy it. So I just spend all saturday morning in AFPMC with the kids in the pedia ward. Somehow looking at them can make you feel you arenot alone in the world, dunno I'm saying but I just want to relay that it feels something hard to be explain. 

Well truthfully, i feel lonely last saturday. I practice a lot in baking the cookies and just to know that she don't want any gifts from me. I plan to spend my allowance from dost to bake a ton of cookies, which happens that I don't receive my stipends due to some paper problem so I borrow from my brother. Well it turns out that I can not use it. The whole remaining hours of valentines day i spend thinking on what she text me last time, "Is it love that you feel or just intimacy?". I really think about how to prove to her that this feeling is love and also to recompose my self, but it is already saturday and still I can not make something. But i do know and feel that this is love, why? I just don't really get it. It is like for everytime that I don't hear a news from her my heart aches not just like sadness of loneliness but an ache that is deeper than that, an ache that somehow feels hollowness, somehow it feels that i missing something. 

It is just becoming part of my routine that somehow I will receive a text from her just saying good day or something and she will tell some of her stories, and when I don't receive one I just feel empty. I just want to hear from her more. I just want to know her more.I just want... well okay she is busy and also she has her own life so who am I to expect something. She has a career and life to work for and I am just nobody to intrude into her life and studies. 

I remember what my aunt told my cousin once, well this evening, "if you want to love i won't force you or force you out of it because you have your own mind and intellect but of you want to finish your studies first then you just need to leave it aside." Well somehow my aunt make sense but somehow I disagree with her. It is natural for us to love, ever since we are born we love someone and it will just come out when you meet someone who really you love and you will love for eternity. So how can you put it aside? Why can't you make it done at the same time, studies and love? For me we can do both at the same time, but it needs a lot of moderation and effort to do so, so that wa cannot go overbound.

Well all day yesterday I hoping to have some mail from her but it never arrives. I think that it might be due that she has an exam to take and a party to attend to so she is quite busy and I don't want to be a nuisance so I stop bothering her after a few mails without replies. Then I hope that this sunday I will have some mails from her but then nothing arrives again. I just think that she might be busy and she has maybe an exam next week or something. Well I just spend my whole afternoon playing with my computer, then my brother mailed me to meet at trinoma at 4 pm. I am quite reluctant to go because I plan to go to church that time but well it is my brother so I got no choice. Well we just go out for some food and he gives me some allowance since I was wuite broke, I overspend last week supposedly for the outreach. And then as I look at the clock it is quite late to go to mass. I am thinking twice if I will go to mass or not since it is already late. Well I already on route so why not go and it is quite already two weeks since I go to mass since I was always late to finish in my practice last two sundays. I arrive at church quite late. As I mass it feels that all my problem was washed away. I was quite gloom all the week but the mass just washed it away when I sing the mass songs and hear the priest's voice. Well  since it all comes to this, I decided that I  will ask god for advice and guidance to know if she really is the right one. I ask for signs, like the three consecutive times we have meet at the same church with the same color of shirt when I am confused on my feelings about her the previous year. Well today I ask for one, I don't know that my request will be answered quickly. When it is time for the communion (before I ask for signs) I decided to look for by any chance that she was here, which I doubt because they always go to mass early and it is quite late. But then as I finish my communion prayers and as I finished asking for signs, I look into 'alley' and I saw her walking back to her seat from the communion line and there is her family. I just said to myself doubting about the situation, that this is just a coincidence, just pure coincidence, but I remember that there is no coincidence in the world form one of the books/movies I had seen. Then I believe that this is the sign I was hoping for. I don;t know if she notice me, I mailed her as I usually do whe I met her in the church and she don't reply. I don't know why. Then I said that I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON HER, PERSISTENCE is quite my middle name, I said to myself. But before that I must change my whole attitude, my negative attitudes first, my pledge to god.

In my change, i hope to become a better person for myselfand everyone around and also for her. Well, if she still will not answer my pleas and my gifts I can wait until I hear her answer, good or bad it is. I can wait. I will wait. 

Journal Entry: Number 53, "Beginning"

IT is just normal day for me yesterday. Though for most people it is a special day, many called it valentine's day others prefer is SAD or single awareness day. Well it can be somewhat special for me because we, the MBBS, go to the AFP-medical Center and do some outreach program to the pediatrics ward. I had done some or quite many embarassing things in front of everyone well atleast I hope the kids had enjoy it. So I just spend all saturday morning in AFPMC with the kids in the pedia ward. Somehow looking at them can make you feel you arenot alone in the world, dunno I'm saying but I just want to relay that it feels something hard to be explain. 

Well truthfully, i feel lonely last saturday. I practice a lot in baking the cookies and just to know that she don't want any gifts from me. I plan to spend my allowance from dost to bake a ton of cookies, which happens that I don't receive my stipends due to some paper problem so I borrow from my brother. Well it turns out that I can not use it. The whole remaining hours of valentines day i spend thinking on what she text me last time, "Is it love that you feel or just intimacy?". I really think about how to prove to her that this feeling is love and also to recompose my self, but it is already saturday and still I can not make something. But i do know and feel that this is love, why? I just don't really get it. It is like for everytime that I don't hear a news from her my heart aches not just like sadness of loneliness but an ache that is deeper than that, an ache that somehow feels hollowness, somehow it feels that i missing something. 

It is just becoming part of my routine that somehow I will receive a text from her just saying good day or something and she will tell some of her stories, and when I don't receive one I just feel empty. I just want to hear from her more. I just want to know her more.I just want... well okay she is busy and also she has her own life so who am I to expect something. She has a career and life to work for and I am just nobody to intrude into her life and studies. 

I remember what my aunt told my cousin once, well this evening, "if you want to love i won't force you or force you out of it because you have your own mind and intellect but of you want to finish your studies first then you just need to leave it aside." Well somehow my aunt make sense but somehow I disagree with her. It is natural for us to love, ever since we are born we love someone and it will just come out when you meet someone who really you love and you will love for eternity. So how can you put it aside? Why can't you make it done at the same time, studies and love? For me we can do both at the same time, but it needs a lot of moderation and effort to do so, so that wa cannot go overbound.

Well all day yesterday I hoping to have some mail from her but it never arrives. I think that it might be due that she has an exam to take and a party to attend to so she is quite busy and I don't want to be a nuisance so I stop bothering her after a few mails without replies. Then I hope that this sunday I will have some mails from her but then nothing arrives again. I just think that she might be busy and she has maybe an exam next week or something. Well I just spend my whole afternoon playing with my computer, then my brother mailed me to meet at trinoma at 4 pm. I am quite reluctant to go because I plan to go to church that time but well it is my brother so I got no choice. Well we just go out for some food and he gives me some allowance since I was wuite broke, I overspend last week supposedly for the outreach. And then as I look at the clock it is quite late to go to mass. I am thinking twice if I will go to mass or not since it is already late. Well I already on route so why not go and it is quite already two weeks since I go to mass since I was always late to finish in my practice last two sundays. I arrive at church quite late. As I mass it feels that all my problem was washed away. I was quite gloom all the week but the mass just washed it away when I sing the mass songs and hear the priest's voice. Well  since it all comes to this, I decided that I  will ask god for advice and guidance to know if she really is the right one. I ask for signs, like the three consecutive times we have meet at the same church with the same color of shirt when I am confused on my feelings about her the previous year. Well today I ask for one, I don't know that my request will be answered quickly. When it is time for the communion (before I ask for signs) I decided to look for by any chance that she was here, which I doubt because they always go to mass early and it is quite late. But then as I finish my communion prayers and as I finished asking for signs, I look into 'alley' and I saw her walking back to her seat from the communion line and there is her family. I just said to myself doubting about the situation, that this is just a coincidence, just pure coincidence, but I remember that there is no coincidence in the world form one of the books/movies I had seen. Then I believe that this is the sign I was hoping for. I don;t know if she notice me, I mailed her as I usually do whe I met her in the church and she don't reply. I don't know why. Then I said that I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON HER, PERSISTENCE is quite my middle name, I said to myself. But before that I must change my whole attitude, my negative attitudes first, my pledge to god.

In my change, i hope to become a better person for myselfand everyone around and also for her. Well, if she still will not answer my pleas and my gifts I can wait until I hear her answer, good or bad it is. I can wait. I will wait. 

What will you choose?

There is a chioce that you must make. The revival of your dearest love, or the lost of your memory about him when you do the process. Which will you choose?

A Returning Lonewolf

It has been a while since I had a post in here. Did you miss me multiply? Well You can guess why I post again. Wait, first I'll make it sure this is private blog... This is only between you and me multiply, got it? If this leak out i'll sue you, just kidding.

Well it has been a terrible day for me, no, it has been a terrible week I'd say. I week of being alone, well not physically but more of emotionally and socially. I think that my friends are outcasting me, somehow it feels like I am a wolf that had been thrown out of the pack because i'm ill or somehting. IT has been a while since I become a lonewolf, and it has been also a while since I question the reason why I existed again in this world. I don't know why I become alone again. My family are so far, my friends seems distant and she, she is the remaining thing that I think can cure me of this disease, this curse.

It is a dull saturday to start with. I don't have the hopes of getting a text from her because I don't think that she has feelings for me nor she has any important things to text to me. but then she mailed me and I almost forgot that she will return the book today. Then I arrange it for the afternoon because it is the time that i will go back to the dorms for our sportsfest, I play volleyball. The team practice a lot ofr the volleyball yesterday, so we have high hopes of winning but then we lost. First is we lost in a competition and then what's next. This is really a very bad day for me. Finally after a week long of endurance to have the drug, I can finally see her again. She is like the morphine that will make my pains go away. Just a bit of her presence, is enough for me. But then I see her with her friend. This brings up jealousy inside me. The drug that can cure me of this ailments I have: loneliness, hatred, corruption, evil overall; was taken away by others. And in that moment I realize that I have no right over her, I didn't even ask what is my stance in her, did she have any feeling for me, so why should I feel jealous? why? but then my heart aches so much that as I watch them, my fangs grows. I have kept my fangs close and trying to control it, I;m trying to control my other self. Then I realized that she was happy. And then It is just fine me to see her happy. I dare to challenge my other self to that notion and luckily I prevail not to cause her any trouble again. Maybe I am just a nuisance, maybe if i disappear she will be more happy. Those are the thoughts that came in to me.

So aching I was, I walk back home and accepted that I am a lonewolf. But my otherselves are screaming to me that I am a fool. Why must i become a lone wolf without fighting back. They are telling me to fight, it is not over until it was declared that i was lost. Why will we/I let my self be a lone wolf if i can still fight. I know that... Yet am I so coward to fight or something... I just can't explain what, it just makes me satisfied to see her smiling.

Survival is the meaning of my existence was what I always thought whenever feel being a lone wolf but now even as a lone wolf I feel that I find the meaning of my existence, it is in her. She is the reason shy I still continue living.

To fear and to dream an impossible dream

Recently I've realized that it is not death that I need to fear. I fear death before because I somehow weak in faith about afterlife. The thought creeps me when I think that when I dieed I cannot think anymore, no feelings, no perception, no life and it is only nothingness. As I myslef an, not outgoing, but adventurous guy cannot think wht it feel to feel nothing. That thought creeps me since I was a child. I don't know if my faith in my religion strenthens or that someone help me to conquer that fear that now I didn't think about death like that again.

Yet a new phobia arises, the phobia that I think cannot just be solved with strong faith or resolution. It is the fear to to be alone in the world, not physically but psychologically. It is what makes me insane. It cause Jealousy to strengthen in my nature. Just this past weeks I feel tremendous jealousy that I don't know why it happen I just feel it. I think because I just don't have some communication with 'her' for a while, I felt that I was left alone in the abyss. This is because I think my whole existence, my daily routine, my phone and my load is only about 'her'. But I come to realization that my existence for her is nothing. That makes me mad again then I thought that I have two option: to force my existence to her, a way that is quick yet has terrible consequence, or I will wait for her to realize my existence, which I sure might take eternity. For I am an impatient person, I really want the former but my logic overwhelms me and I took the latter though I believe that sooner or later I might revert to my original choice. How long will I can hold the pain of loneliness? How long I can stand to be away from you? That might be a matter how strong my resolution to be with you, I think. I hope that sooner I would have your answer, even it is a no, I will gladly accept it as long it is really your will.

This loneliness is somehow reduced because of my dream...

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This is a writing written to all emos. A writing to show what you feels.

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